It Is COLD!

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I know it’s winter, but someone left the artic open and it is spilling its chill all over the nation. Even in Florida, where crop growers are worried for their citrus, temperatures hover dangerously low. Global warming my ice cube. It is freaking cold all over and this has been around for days now. Forecasts in my area call for at least a week more of these frigid temps with the worst yet to come. Precipitation has been creating snow in record amounts setting up for a nasty type of cold I call bone-snapping cold. Not bone-chilling, but bone-snapping. I’ll explain.

Deep down we can all handle the cold, but when you throw in an amount of snow that melts a little you get ice. Then nature will snow all over the ice covering it and creating hazardous landmines everywhere. Not exploding landmines, but slipping ones that can have you walking one minute and on your butt the next. I say this with warning for I was a recent victim of said hazard and I put sole blame on the cold. I came close to snapping a bone. Hence bone-snapping cold.

Even when you’re ready for ice woes, your not. I was walking very deliberately, so I thought, but for some reason I was so complacent (thinking about the cold) that I put my weight on my right foot as I stepped all of the sudden I no longer needed weight anymore. I was on my back. No slipping dance from one foot to the other, no waving my arms in a circular motion against the force of my fall, no nothing. Just a slip and on the ground I was. It was actually kind of funny because I quickly got up and kind of looked around to see if anyone had seen me fall. Everyone does it when they fall. It is almost automatic.

I didn’t see anyone around me that might have noticed so I brushed myself off and continued to walk like I meant to fall on purpose. I few steps into my continuation I started hear what I thought was feint laughter. I was approaching a parking lot and sure enough, two guys in a car that was warming up were pointing their fingers at me just a laughing away. As I walked in front of them I shrugged my shoulders and gave them a smile. The guy in the passenger seat rolled down his window and motioned me over.

According to them, I received a 7 from the passenger and a 6 out of ten from the driver. They tell me that there is a low spot in the sidewalk right where I fell. It notoriously gathers ice every time it snows. These guys come out and watch people fall in that same spot every time. So they started rating the falls of unsuspecting wayfarers and jotting them down on a tablet. I found this a little amusing and inquired how one would need to fall and receive a ten. To them a perfect ten is when the ambulance had to be called. One guy broke his elbow and another knocked himself clean out. That is one ten I don’t want to get, I told them as I left.

Yep, bone-snapping cold. Icicles dangling from your nose, cold. It is so cold that someone needs to tap Al Gore on the shoulder and tell him to give back his academy award, his Nobel Prize and his Grammy for his global warming stuff. Having scientists lie to support your claims is worse than Obama’s peace prize for nothing. It is cold and getting colder.

Jeff Payne

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